Time

I want time to slow down in the worst kind of way. Lately I've spent way too much time spilling over pictures and videos of my sweet girl from just a few months ago, and it makes my heart ache. How could she have changed this much already?

Her little cry, so sweet and new, has already turned to a baby's cry. Where did my snotty, grunty newborn go?

Her slender legs, fresh from the oven, were wrinkled with sweet goodness, lacking the fat so many babies earn as they grow. Where did it go?

It must have happened while we slept. While we dreamed of sleep, for sure, when sleep seemed forever away. It must have happened while I wished for her to sit up, or roll over, or coo for the first time. It must have happened while I danced around her, doing things only a mother would do, trying to achieve the first smile. It must have been then...

Was I not looking? Did I not keep my eyes on her the whole time?

I thought I meant to take captive every single expression she made, wrinkle of her nose, smell of her skin, and size of her toes. But somehow I didn't. Because here I am four months later, wondering what happened.

Last night we drove home from a birthday celebration. Night was pitch black, and the car was silent. A tiny bunny went bounding across the road, Ruben put on the breaks and we both stared at each other and smiled. A bunny. The symbol of our son. Our sweet boy, our bunny. For months after he died, I saw bunnies everywhere. It was God's reminder to me that he wasn't as far away as it felt. Has it really been that long?

Time. It replenishes, and it breaks our hearts all at once.

Watching our daughter go from a newborn to a baby reminds me of so many things. Sometimes I rock her and kiss her, and I just want to tell her everything. I want her to know that she is immeasurably loved. And not just by us. But by Him. The One who made her. I want her to know that she can stay a child as long as she wants. Don't grow up too quickly, love. And I don't mean just physically...

I want to tell her how hard her daddy works for her. Even if it's hard on us. I want her to understand, as I try to understand, that it's for us. For our future.

I want to tell her of a little boy that was once our only child. The boy I thought I would never stop hurting over. The boy she will meet one day. I want her to know his name, and say it often. My brother, Elias. I want her to know that our family includes that little boy. Always.

I want her to know about her future. Her victorious future. I want her to know that her future, and the One who created it, claims her as a beautiful treasure. I want those words to rule her heart. As she grows from a baby, to a little girl, to a woman...you are a beautiful treasure.

And my heart hurts because there are so many things I want her to know. To believe. And I feel like there's not enough time in the day for it all. I fear my slipping up and forgetting to pay attention will ruin it all. I fear my temper or carelessness will somehow mess up everything. I want to stop all the nonsense of this life, and just live the important things. But I can't.

At some point, I have to trust her with the One who loves her more than I. I have to trust she is in His hands. I have to trust that watching her grow up will be both a sacred and joyful experience, albeit bittersweet at times. I have to trust that my love for her will cover my mistakes; that He will cover my mistakes.

Is parenthood just some cruel joke? Some incredibly intoxicating experience that brings such joy, yet pain at once. My obsession with my daughter is so small in comparison to my Father's obsession for me. I can't fathom it. I will never understand it. But yet, it's true. To think of giving up my own daughter as Christ gave His son...that picture alone will make any mother shutter.

I think that's why He allows us to love our children as courageously as we do. How would we ever understand His love? It's really a beautiful picture.

And that's what I want her to know. And so much more...that my love for her is incredibly large. It fills every part of my being, until I feel so full that I might burst; but His love is so much greater. More complete than anything I could ever offer her.

Oh sweetie, just embrace it.

You have eternity's time...

I Love Cupcakes

Cupcakes. I ate them almost weekly throughout my entire pregnancy. How in the world I only gained 22lbs is beyond me. About once a week me and my little charges would march ourselves over to the local bakery and pick out a cupcake. They loved pregnant, Trish. Who wouldn't?!

After Emmarie was born we realized she might have some sensitivities to dairy. Which, is awful. So sad. For me. Emmarie doesn't know the difference and will likely grow out of it, but I can no longer enjoy sour cream and cheese in a bowl of chili. It's tragic!

Initially, going without dairy helped, but she continues to have other issues. Really bad diaper rashes that seem to appear without cause, dry patches on her skin, etc. Soooo, I went to a lactation consultant to try and figure out what the issue might be. And the story gets even more tragic. I've been told to avoid gluten.

Gluten? You mean flour? Wheat? CUPCAKES?! Not cool, LC, not cool.

Did you know that gluten is in everything? Well, except for dairy...

Go figure.

SO, as I left the doctor's office, tummy rumbling, I began thinking about my various options for food.

Well, there's broccoli....oh, and spinach! And... milk, oh wait, that's dairy. So, okay, do legumes count?

And there you go. I officially can eat: beans, broccoli, and spinach.

All for this adorable face (and the tiny jeans gathering dust in my closet.)

[fyi, I am aware that there are other options! :) But in the midst of such great culinary loss, it's hard to see the truth.]

Good Friday.

Today has been a hard day. I'm struggling with being worn out, overwhelmed, and just typical new-mom stuff. Ruben is in grad school and it has officially become grad school, if you know what I mean. Just hard. Lots of writing. Lots of studying. Not a lot of family time.

I ordered Emmarie's Easter outfit about two months ago. I was pretty sure that ordering a 3 month outfit would fit her just right since she was on the small side. She'll be 3.5 months on Sunday, and would you believe, that sucker is too big. Awesome.

Financially, things are tough. I'm not working anymore (well, that's not completely true. I'll write about that later.) so we just don't have the income to make a lot of purchases. So little Emmarie has things to go inside of an Easter basket, but she doesn't actually have an Easter basket. Sad, I know. I realize she won't know the difference, which is why I decided to forgo the basket, but still...it was kind of part of the dream. The gorgeous smocked dress, the basket with her name on it, etc.

Emmarie's first Easter is becoming not quite what this momma planned.

Enter Reality Check:

This week I keep thinking about last Easter. I was so so sad. For some reason Easter and Mother's Day were some of my hardest days to get through. I actually sang on Easter Sunday and I remember standing behind the stage and just crying. I was so overwhelmed by the thought of Christ dying for me, saving me, and that Elias was already a part of the glory of Heaven.

I'm only a year from that point in my life, and already my outlook on Easter has changed again. I'm more concerned over my daughter's outfit than I am that she knows what Easter is really about. And of course that's not really true, but my actions sure don't speak any differently.

Emmarie's presence in my life has been so healing that I've forgotten how impossibly painful it was to be without her brother. If I had heard a mom complaining about something as petty as an Easter dress not fitting a year ago, I would have thought at least you HAVE a baby to put in an Easter dress.

OUCH. Reality is harsh.

Last year all I could think of was how incredibly thankful I was that I knew Elias had been saved; that he was with the Lord, and I need not worry about his eternity. Talk about huge peace and comfort.

This year. I need to pull off my earthly blinders and remember....today is Friday. He came for a purpose. He came to save my daughter -- my sweet, beautiful, sinner of a daughter. My job isn't to make sure her dress is the prettiest or bow is the biggest (although, it normally is.) My job is to teach her that Jesus carried and hung on a cross for her.

Lord, don't let me get so swept away in the treasures of this world. May I put her life in your hands, and plead with you to draw her sweet heart to yours. 

Emmarie Cate

I know, I know...it's borderline embarrassing to even start this post because it has been THAT long since my last one. I'm pretty sure it was October or something. So, with that being said: everyone is safe and sound! No, I am not still pregnant, and she is here.

SO for those of you who wondered if I'd somehow fallen off the face of the earth, and for those who just want to hear, this is her story.

Just ignore the fact that she's 11 weeks old today, k?

****************************************************************************

For those of you who have been pregnant and come to the end of the pregnancy...you know. I mean, you know how desperately difficult it is. You want that baby out. And you will do just about anything to make that happen.

It started about three weeks before her due date. The walking. I had quit my job at that point so I dedicated myself to cooking freezer meals and walking. In the middle of December, I walked like there was no tomorrow. My poor dog...well, she just wasn't built for that type of walking, of course, neither was I at that point. It was more of a waddle...

Here I am just days before delivery

I have to be honest, I started getting pretty desperate. I had heard from a friend that eating dates can ripen your cervix, so I did it. I gagged down 6 nasty dates a day trying to, ahem, ripen things.

I drank like a gallon of red rasberry leaf tea a day because I was told that encouraged contractions.

I bounced on a yoga ball multiple times a day to try and get her into position.

Nothing.

There is nothing like those final weeks of pregnancy. I was miserable, and so so ready to have her out and safe. Maybe everyone wonders if there's really a baby in there, but I really wondered! I kept thinking if I could just hold her, know she was alive and well, I could finally relax a bit.

I went to the doctor On December 17th at exactly 39 weeks. There were some other health annoyances going on at the time and my doctor asked if I'd like to be induced. I had progressed pretty good at that point, and let's face it, I was ready, so we said YES.

They induced me early on December 19th. The induction went perfectly! I know there are so many concerns with an induction, but we really had a great experience. I did my best to go without pain intervention for as long as possible, but gave up the fight around 1PM. And let me just say, GET the epidural. It's a really beautiful thing. As it turns out, getting an epidural really helped me relax, which in turn helped things progress. I went from 4cm to 10cm in four hours.

Emmarie Cate was born at 7:10PM, weighing 6lbs and 6oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. Just a tiny little thing!

Here she is, fresh from the oven. To be honest, she hasn't stopped screaming since then ;)

There really is nothing like that moment when your baby is handed to you for the first time. We were both so overwhelmed. Ever since Elias, I had imagined what it would be like to give birth to a living, breathing baby. It was incredible, and I'm still in awe over the fact that she was living in me all those months...

As the weeks have gone on, I think reality has set in. I'm doing what I've always dreamed of doing -- being a mom, and getting to stay home. But it's so much harder than I expected. It's exhausting. Not just from lack of sleep! But it's mentally so challenging. I find myself lying in bed, watching and making sure she's breathing as she sleeps. I worry over whether I've bundled her too warmly, or not enough. I worry that she's not getting enough to eat. I worry that her diaper rash is allergy related. And I know that as she gets older, the things I'll have to worry over will only grow.

We were able to celebrate Christmas with our girl ON her due date :)

But with every challenge there are moments when I can't believe I have the opportunity to be her mom. And I wouldn't want anyone else to have the job of caring for her. She is a SPIT FIRE. I mean, the kid has a serious temper. But an infectious smile. I'll kiss her little face, and I have to keep myself from squeezing her too hard. I love her so much it hurts.

Here are some of my favorites of our Emmie Lou these past 11 weeks :)

I can't promise that I'll blog more, but I'm going to TRY. Really hard I will try! :)

Nursery Reveal

It's that time! We finally finished Emmarie's room, and with only 6 weeks to spare :). I'm 34 weeks today, and really feel like reality is setting in. We are so ready!

 

I really utilized pinterest when designing Emmarie's room. I knew I wanted her room to be very serene, and airy, and not overly girly pink - but that was the extent of what I had in mind. So I hunted pinterest for months trying to figure out the end result. Even though I had a design in my head, it changed many times as we went along.

 

The hardest things were finding her bedding, and then picking a wall color. We must have gone through 75 sample colors before finally settling on one. The color is mountain air from Sherwin Williams. It's a grayish blue. It's very light and airy - just what I wanted. Her bedding is from Serena and Lily. I didn't want a theme for the room, so this bedding was perfect.

 

Here is the view of her room from the doorway. I was reallllly skeptical about this light, which we bought at Ikea, but I LOVE it now. It is precious in her room. You can see how it casts shadows on the wall and ceiling, which I think she'll love.

 

Her monogram over the bed was made with empty frames and letters I bought at Hobby Lobby. We went through so many paint samples, so I had the perfect shade of coral and gray that I used to paint the frames and letters. They're just nailed to the wall. This was something I saw on Pinterest.

 

 

We purchased her Jenny Lind crib and changing table on Amazon, and I couldn't be happier with it. I wanted a very classic/vintage meets modern look, and I think the furniture is perfect. Plus it was SO affordable! We added the little metal storage bins, and Ruben added coral cardstock to the inside of the bins to add color. The rocking chair is the same chair my mom used with all of her babies! We added a few coats of the same paint we used on the frames, and voila! I think that chair is one of my favorite things about her nursery.

 

A view of the inside of her crib.

We bought the two bookcases at ikea as well. We just needed simple, and small pieces because her room is teeny. These were perfect. The lamp was also bought at ikea, but I added the little flowers on to it that I found at Michaels.

We have a TON of books for this girl already! My boss is constantly having me reorganize book cases for her kids, removing books that they're tired of or have outgrown, which means we get the leftovers! She is going to be one well-read baby :)

Another favorite in this room. This rocking chair was my little brothers, and my mom let us have it. I painted it gray. I had hoped to paint her name on it too, but I'm not sure if that will get done or not. These bunnies are very special. The blue bunny is Elias' that we bought the day we went to the hospital to have him. I went back to the store the other day and bought Emmarie one too. I LOVE these bunnies. Eventually I want their monograms and birthdays embroidered on the bunny ears.

Another bookcase! I bought this stuffed giraffe for Ruben to tell him little Emmarie was on her way! And the letter E was a decoration from our shower last weekend. I think it's perfect in her room.

 Here is a closeup of the print over her changing table. We did these ourselves. I decided it wasn't worth the money to pay someone to do it for me, and this way I could design it exactly how I wanted it. These are the lyrics to a song by MercyMe. I love it.

Here are the prints on the wall above the rocking chair and bookcase. These are some of my favorite Bible verses.

A view from the closet.

 

 

And probably my favorite spot in the whole room. THE closet. Sometimes I just go and stare at it. HA. Last night at our birthing class they encouraged us to bring something to the hospital we could focus on that would take our mind of the pain, like an ultrasound photo, etc. Ruben suggested I bring a picture of Emmarie's closet. He knows me so well.

 

Her hair accessories grow on a weekly basis. ;)

And that's it! I can't believe we're already THIS close to finally having our girl home. Hope you enjoyed this little nursery tour :)

October 15th

This season of my life has been one of the most changing times I've ever experienced. This month marks one year that I learned I was pregnant with Elias. Our world was turned upside down not only because of his diagnosis, but merely because he existed. Pregnancy, and your first, is full of unknowns. I remember pinching myself the entire first three months I was pregnant...it felt so surreal.

At this point, one year later, I'm pregnant. Again. And although we're experiencing things with Emmarie that we never did with Elias, I still feel like I've been in a perpetual pregnancy my entire life.

The last few months I think I've made a decision to focus on Emmarie. After Elias' due date came and went in July, I just couldn't do it anymore. That evening it was all I could do to release those balloons before I just collapsed into bed again. I absolutely hated where we were. I hated that Elias wasn't here. I hated that I was pregnant. Again. I hated that I felt like I couldn't function.

July 3rd was a turning point for me. I don't even think I knew it at the time. But somewhere in me, I think I decided I had to be happy again. And somehow...it happened.

Truthfully, I don't know if I've completely dealt with losing him. I feel like I've accepted that I'll never mother him here on earth. But I don't know what it will be like when I see Emmarie for the first time and realize all that I've missed out on these past months. He would be three months old now, but instead every day gets me farther from that fact feeling like it could have been a reality. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with Emmarie now, and that reality alone makes the magnitude of what we lost seem more acute...because already we've had Emmarie longer than we had Elias. How can that be? How was it only 19 weeks??

Sometimes I read other blogs or see things posted on facebook from other moms that have lost babies, and I wonder if I shouldn't be in the same place. For instance, Monday, October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I knew it was coming. My heart was heavy all day because of it. But I'm not even sure I mentioned it to Ruben, much less did I actually observe the day in any special way. It's like there's a part of me that says 'don't go there...' I'm almost afraid of letting myself really feel his loss anymore. I'm just so tired of hurting.

I don't know if it's okay to deal with it this way. I don't even know if it's considered dealing with it. I guess time will tell.

I do know that I'm so so ready to hold this baby. To know that she's real. To know that all these months of hurting and waiting were worth it in some way. But I also know that she won't replace her brother...

Have a Lovely

I have been meaning to share this for a while, but have been so scattered brained lately. After Elias died I received an email from a lady who had read my blog. For some reason my name sounded familiar to her, but she couldn't figure out why. Her name is Ashley, and she runs a little business from her home called Have a Lovely. She went through all her work emails and lo and behold, there I was in an old email. Ashley made this beautiful plate for us using our wedding invitation about two years ago. I LOVE it. We had it sitting on the gift table at our wedding, and now it sits on top of a book case in our living room.

I mean, seriously. What are the chances that she would randomly find my blog!? And THEN remember my name from two years ago?

Ashley was so touched by Elias' story that she offered to make a plate in honor of him. I could not have been more thrilled! I wasn't just thrilled because it was SO sweet of her, but also I knew the quality of work coming my way! :) So I had a little birth announcement made for Elias, sent it off to Ashley and she made this beauty. It could not be more perfect in our bedroom! It's definitely my favorite item in the house that reminds me of him. Not only is it beautiful, but it's him. 

My second favorite thing about these pieces is that our sweet Emmarie Cate will have one too! When you lose a baby there's still that desire for your children to share things, and for the child you lost to remain a part of your family traditions. But it's often so hard to come up with ideas of things they can share, especially when a baby is gone so quickly. So this is a beautiful way for all of my children to share one thing in common. 

Thank you again SO much, Ashley!